A Thought about Death

There are many things I think of with death.

primarily sadness, burden and anger

sometimes happiness, relief and thankfulness

usually not.

 

right before I die will I think “do I regret my life? Did I live life to the fullest?”

as my heart slows, “did I do everything I want to do with the people I wanted to do it with?”

 

i often fear I’ll die alone.

Alone.

sounds empty, scary

alone in a crumpled ball on the side of the road

alone in the waves of a current I can’t escape

alone in a hospital bed strapped to beeping machines and fluorescent screens

death is a lonely process anyways,

you do it by yourself and nobody else knows what to do

hopelessly watching as your vision goes darker,

your limbs numb,

your hearing fades

 

I hope I’m not a burden

if I cannot hear, see,

or have a feeding and breathing tube…

just finish me

 

fucking

kill

me

off.

pull

that

plug.

 

Most of all though,

i hope I am missed

i hope I impacted people

i hope I come up in dinner conversations,

“hey remember when Ethan…”

“hey remember when Dad…”

“hey remember when Grampy…”

 

when i I think about it,

its not literally death that scares me.

Or the pain or suffering that comes

from the Grim Reaper.

 

but all the components that come after

and how it affects my loved ones.

 

curiosity killed the cat

but what happens after?

 

now that’s something to think about.

 

It’s hard to think that

everything just ends.

lights out.

 

all over.

 

but alternatives seem

sometimes unlikely

even though they are much more tranquil, happy, lavish

 

I would like to believe them

but sometimes I just can’t.

 

it’s just hard for someone who

is constantly being to finally go

extinct.

 

and then buried 10 feet under

in an overpriced box

with maggots as neighbors

and then left there to rot.

 

i want to believe there is something more.

 

all this build up

all these experiences in life

all this wisdom

all these loving connections

just to be shut off and thrown away.

 

There has to be something more,

right?

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